Since then I’ve had various pokes (ouch), prods (errr), and scans (breath in…. hold it…. hold it…. exhale), but nothing really since 2005 (the five year mark).

So today at my regular diabetes check up (Yes, I am a diabetic and cancer survivor. No I don’t recommend it.) I asked my doctor if there was anything I needed to do. He didn’t seem to think so but said he’d consult with their oncologist. So, assuming they don’t say anything (which I don’t think they will), since it is March 2010…

I declare myself to be cancer-free for 10 years! Woo woo!

Those in the cancer circles will tell you that 10 years is kind of a big deal.

Stupid body.

So I’d just like to take this opportunity to say to myself:

“Great job body. Ten years without letting cancer grow inside of you. I’m proud of you… Still kind of miffed about the whole ‘destroying your own pancreas‘-thing… but great job nonetheless. Have a cookie cake! What? You shouldn’t eat cookie cake? Because your pancreas doesn’t produce insulin? D’oh!”

My sister has fought depression and anxiety pretty much her entire adult life. It’s not my place to share the details but it’s been pretty intense at times and for many years I have played an active role in trying to help her.

Depression is an ugly thing that steals the light and the beauty from God’s creation.

I don’t want what I’m about to talk about to be misconstrued as a commentary on what causes depression. Nor am I endorsing or discounting different types of treatment; the merits of one treatment over another should be determined by the patient, their doctor, and their loved ones. Over the years, we tried some things work and others that were disastrous.

To me depression is a lot like diabetes in that some core problem(s) creates a series of additional problems that become intertwined and become increasingly difficult to treat. With depression, these problems aren’t just physical, they affect you mentally, spiritually, and socially.

I believe that a the root of all of the factors that contribute to depression is that fact that because of sin we are separated from God. We were not designed to be separated from God and as a result we are physically, mentally, and socially out of whack. Depression is just one of the many afflictions where this is affect is magnified to debilitating proportions.

The cure? No, that’s bad terminology. The resolution is God’s final redemption of creation achieved through Jesus Christ who bore our sin and all of its effects in order to free us from its bondage. When will that happen, no one knows. Until then, the hope for healing begins with faith in Jesus. Only the Gospel of the Kingdom of God has the power to create any real transformation in this life.

Why am I writing about this? Because I see the desperate need for Gospel transformation in my sister’s life. Over the years, I have seen her put her faith in false god after false god, relying on the empty promises and temporary relief of everything from medication to relationships as her hope for relief. And every time, without fail, these things fail her. And each time her misplaced faith is shattered, it leaves her more and more despondent.

She’s going through it again. She (like many people) falsely believes that a child will provide her the joy that is missing in her life. I know what that feels like. I idolize my children; it’s a constant struggle for me to not let their importance in my life become an ultimate thing.

Why am I sharing this here? Because I can’t keep it inside. Right now I am being tossed around like a rag doll by life. And that’s okay. It’s frustrating and exhausting but it’s okay. I love my sister and I know deep down that she needs to hear the truth about God. The God who loves her so much that he became man, endured hurt, betrayal, fear, abandonment, torture, and death. And more over, that man willingly gave up his perfect union with God, the source of life and love, enduring a hell far greater than anything she or I or anyone will ever experience. All so that she can be restored to the fullness that God created in her and for her. That is the truth that she needs to hear.

It’s so much easier to write it here than to say it out loud. Let alone to actually say it to my sister.

Maybe part of my hesitation is that I know that whatever I say won’t make her depression go away. It won’t make her life any easier. The challenges of this life will still exist. I feel (and have always felt) pretty helpless to relieve her suffering.

But she will no longer be a slave to life’s suffering. It is freedom that I need to share with her. How can she find relief is she isn’t free.

So, friend(s), if you pray, would you mind praying for my sister? Pray for her heart, that life would be born again within it and that life would flow throughout the rest of her body and her life. Pray for her husband too. He’s a good guy.

And would you pray for me? Pray that I wouldn’t be such a chicken and a brute. Pray that I would claim the power that has been given to us and that the Holy Spirit would work powerfully through me however he will to bless my sister.

Thanks.

p.s. Having people in your family who suffer with depression is particularly worrisome when you yourself are going through rough times.

For those of you who don’t know, I am a Type 1 Diabetic. Typically, people with Type 1 diabetes develop it while they are children (hence it sometimes being called “Juvenile Diabetes”); however, I developed it in 2004 when I was 26 years old.

Diabetes is a disease where the body either:

• (for Type 1 diabetics) does not produce insulin; or,
• (for Type 2 diabetics) does not respond to insulin.

As a Type 1, I do not produce insulin. Insulin is produced by the pancreas and facilitates the absorption of glucose into the body’s cells. At some point in 2004 my pancreas stopped working, probably because my immune system got confused and sent my white blood cells to attack it. Stupid immune system.

Diabetes is interesting because it’s both a chronic and an acute illness. Poor glucose absorption wreaks havoc on the body causing:

• poor circulation,
• excess retention of fluid,
• cell damage,
• mental and physical fatigue,
• and other complications.

The long term (chronic) dangers are eye damage (caused by pressure from the fluid retention), heart disease (from having to work harder and not having consistent nutrients), kidney damage (from processing all the excess glucose to get it out of your blood), nerve damage (from the excess fluid), and foot disease (from the poor circulation, the feet just aren’t as healthy which ultimately can lead to amputation). The immediate (acute) dangers are diabetic coma which can result from both hyper- and hypo-glycemia (too much or too little glucose in the blood stream).

Type 1 diabetes is treated by injections of synthetic insulin aimed mimicking the body’s natural cycle of insulin production. Due to advances in medicine, synthetic insulin is readily available and convenient, so (so long as you can afford it… I pay on average $100+ a month on insulin and I have health insurance) the main goal is to regulate the body’s blood glucose levels keeping them within the same thresholds that your own endocrine system would. Synthetic insulin is introduced into the bloodstream through shots.

I give myself between six and ten shots a day.

The things that affect the level of glucose in your bloodstream are:

• Food (the amount of carbohydrates, the type of carbohydrates (simple sugars versus complex fibers), the amount of protein and fat (which affect the rate that the food is metabolized), timing of meals)
• Physical activity (increasing your need for glucose to be transferred into your cells)
• Insulin (the amount taken, the timing of taking it (it takes about three hours for insulin to do all its work))
• Physical health (things like sleep, illness, stress all have been shown to affect blood sugar levels)
• Alcohol (increases the processing of metabolizing glucose)

Other than that, you have to maintain a healthy lifestyle so as to not accelerate the heart disease/kidney failure/eye damage/foot damage. I will take cholesterol medication for the rest of my life even though I’m only 31 years old and my cholestorol levels are perfectly healthy on their own (at least for a non-diabetic… we hold ourselves to a higher standard). My diet is pretty healthy which wasn’t that hard to achieve since my wife and I are both foodies and probably would have adopted most the major dietary changes (substituting wheat- for white-breads, substituting leaner meats like ground turkey, steering away from saturated fats, cutting down on sugary foods… though those last two have been more difficult for me since I still crave desserts and the deliciousness of things like fast food and pizza).

To manage these factors, (if you’re fortunate enough to have access to these things because of health insurance if you’re an American) I work with my primary doctor and a nutritionist (and other specialists from time to time) to prescribe and refine an appropriate insulin regimen. I meet with my doctor four times a year to monitor my health, review the effectiveness of our strategy and address any issues.

But the day to day is up to me. That means I have to give myself six to ten shots a day, frequently check my blood glucose level (which involves drawing blood from my fingertip), paying attention to what and when I’m eating, making an effort to stay active and not get sick, pay attention to my mental state in case my blood sugar goes low (or high) so I don’t put myself or others in danger. Pretty easy, right?

On top of that, the fact that the longevity of my life is threatened wears me down. My mother died from breast cancer when I was 19 years old. My biggest fear is making my two children and wife go through losing me. I don’t want to die…

The point of all of this is that diabetes is hard. And it commands my attention all the time. I don’t get a break. It sucks.

So I was encouraged to read about a new organization that is dedicated to studying and addressing the psychological aspects of living with diabetes. According to this article in Medical News Today:

The Behavioral Diabetes Institute (BDI) is the world’s first organization dedicated to tackling the unmet psychological needs of people with diabetes. The BDI offers an array of evidence-based clinical programs, all designed to help people overcome the emotional and behavioral obstacles to living well with diabetes.

Not that this will affect me anytime soon but it’s encourage to see that someone is addressing these very real challenges. It makes me hopeful, and for that I am glad. Thank you Behavioral Diabetes Institute (http://www.behavioraldiabetes.org/)

While I can say that while I never lost faith through all of it, I definitely lost momentum… and frequently lost my bearings. So that’s where we are right now, sifting through the aftermath of this past year and focusing on moving forward. It was good to re-read this, just because it reminds me that what is the most important thing I can do this year is to focus on Christ – making sure my all is centered in Him: my sight, my attention, my hope, my identity, my love. I know that if I do, everything won’t just fall into place. But if it does, or if it doesn’t, it will be good because I will be Christ’s. And Christ will be mine.

This is fear of sucess. Or of failure. Or both. I desire the safety of mediocrity where no one asks, or rather, expects anything of you.

But that is not where I am called to. I know this: I am called. Kaleo… yet, I want to hide. I am Adam, hiding in the garden covering my shame.

That is what this is: an attempt to reclaim the freedom that I (we) was created for. The recognition that the enemy wants me defeated, ashamed, broken, and, thus, useless… unable to serve, a barren tree. Fruitless. That is what this is about, rendering me lame and crippled (at least deceiving me into thinking that way), so that even though my Savior has said to me (gently, patiently, stooping low to pick me up) “Stand up and walk,” I would doubt.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God! Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We Were born to maifest the Glory of God that is within us… and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” — Nelson Mandela

This is truth and this is my confession. I am a sinner. I am made in Glod’s glorious image. I am made beautiful. Yet I am broken. Yet I am healed by God’s grace! I withdraw into my brokenness and cling to it as my protective garment. I claim a truth about myself that denies the Lord the chance to clothe me in His righteousness.

Father God, this is my confession:

I am a perfectionist.

I procrastinate.

My mind has difficulty resting.

I am fearful.

I lust.

I do not work hard.

I get mad and bitter toward others who do things in the fields I feel called to serve.

I am not a good steward of my time.

I expect loss in my life and fear it.

I get anxious about money.

I get anxious about interacting with people who have hurt me.

I seek my own solution instead of trusting Your providence.

I am proud.

I consume way too much, way too fast.

I mock and make fun and tear down.

I do not love selflessly. I do not love well.

Father God, this is my prayer: that I would be in Christ just as Christ is in me. I pray that I would die to myself, to my sin, to this world, so that I may live and love unto you and unto others with all my heart, mind, body, and soul. Amen.